There's a difference between being afraid of the gun in your face, and being afraid of the possibility for a gun to be put in your face. The former: a response based on present reality - a response based on the circumstances currently in your existence, in the moment. The latter: a response based on an abstraction of the mind - a response to what could be, what might not ever be.
Between the two, which one is really worth the stress - the taxing of emotions - that comes with being afraid?
Usually when I let my mind imagine what it would be like to not pass the exam, I respond based on whatever comes to mind with fear. I was just sitting here thinking about that response and it dawned on me - what am I really afraid of? Is it worth a response of fear?
In the present moment, I'm sitting in my bed with my laptop in my lap, typing out my thoughts. I'm completely comfortable. If I weren't comfortable with this laptop-in-bed situation I could do something to help it - NOW. Sure, something in the next moment could happen that I wouldn't want to happen - but worrying about what could happen in the future does nothing to help me out NOW.
Same with the exam, or any future event. Nothing wrong with being concerned about the future, working right now to make sure things go well in the future - but nothing in the future is worth being afraid.
Word to Jesus.
---
Dontcha just love it when you have one of those moments - where something in your head just snaps, clicks, buzzes, lights up (you know?) - and things just become CLEAR - where life just starts to LOOK different? Yup. Call it inspiration. And motivation for this post.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Dear bar exam,
You're SO frustrating!!
I found my inspiration about 7 years ago. Almost exactly 6 years before we met for the first time. I was reading A Civil Action - wasn't even finished reading it actually when it clicked. In one moment, I KNEW I would be an attorney. I KNEW that I was meant to help people like the attorney helped Woburn. I thought about it after that moment - reasoned the decision to become an attorney as I did research on law schools - and the inspiration made complete sense. I've known since I was little that I was put here to serve. I don't know how or why I knew that so early, but I did. I care about social justice. I love to write-research-learn-and I don't mind a good argument. Becoming an attorney just made sense.
And it still makes sense. Being an attorney still feels right - despite the four years of trials and tribulations that was law school - despite the fact that I think most attorneys suck - I still feel like I belong in this profession. And here I am, ready to pass the milestone that is you. Ready, willing and able. But it hasn't happened yet.
I can't wait for the day I can look back and see you in the distance, a haze of blurry, stress-filled memories.
There's much that can be said about things happening in their own perfect timing, according to the schedule set out individually for me by God. When things are right, they're right. It wasn't right the first two times I encountered you. It wasn't my time to pass. This stuff about timing may be true, but the truth is that passing the bar exam isn't about timing. Based on my scores it appears that I actually knew enough law to pass. Maybe I should have practiced more essays. Maybe if I finished the MPT. Maybe I should have done more of Pieper's quizzes. Maybe I shouldn't have left my mother's house while studying. Maybe I shouldn't have worked until a week before.
Maybes aside - I did what I did. I made as much effort as I could have. The point is that it didn't work.
On July 28 and 29, 2009, it needs to work. Otherwise, I will have to move on in November or December (whenever the results come out), knowing that I'm meant to do something else with my life. There are many ways to serve. My talents can be used in ways that have nothing to do with the law. This experience of learning about the law in law school and in my job experience will always have value.
But I haven't given up yet. I can't. I won't. There are a lot of things I'm gonna do differently this time: not taking a class, exercising more, meditating, following a schedule, etc. I'm gonna manage my life better. I've always known my priorities and I'm learning how to work those priorities. The most important thing I've learned in this experience with you is how to Let GOD Lead my success. My relationship with God does come first. He's brought me to this point for a reason and I have to trust that.
Maybe I haven't passed because I needed to learn how to manage my life before passing.
Whatever. As frustrating and annoying as you are, bar exam, I appreciate the opportunity I have had to take you. So many like me - who come from circumstances like mine - dream for the opportunity like the one you present to me. So many like me - who come from similar circumstances, who have been where I am, who intend to be where I am in the near future - are invested in having me (and people like me) pass. I'm thankful for the opportunity to make my dream into a reality.
What's the most frustrating though, is to be this close to making my dream a reality and to be held in the same place for awhile, wondering when I'll get a break. But timing. This is for a reason. All of that jazz. As frustrating and annoying and time compromising as you are, you're just another step towards making my dreams come true. And so, I need you. I need to push through you.
I need pass this July! God be with me.
---
Today's post has been brought to you by inspiration from this. Brilliant.
I found my inspiration about 7 years ago. Almost exactly 6 years before we met for the first time. I was reading A Civil Action - wasn't even finished reading it actually when it clicked. In one moment, I KNEW I would be an attorney. I KNEW that I was meant to help people like the attorney helped Woburn. I thought about it after that moment - reasoned the decision to become an attorney as I did research on law schools - and the inspiration made complete sense. I've known since I was little that I was put here to serve. I don't know how or why I knew that so early, but I did. I care about social justice. I love to write-research-learn-and I don't mind a good argument. Becoming an attorney just made sense.
And it still makes sense. Being an attorney still feels right - despite the four years of trials and tribulations that was law school - despite the fact that I think most attorneys suck - I still feel like I belong in this profession. And here I am, ready to pass the milestone that is you. Ready, willing and able. But it hasn't happened yet.
I can't wait for the day I can look back and see you in the distance, a haze of blurry, stress-filled memories.
There's much that can be said about things happening in their own perfect timing, according to the schedule set out individually for me by God. When things are right, they're right. It wasn't right the first two times I encountered you. It wasn't my time to pass. This stuff about timing may be true, but the truth is that passing the bar exam isn't about timing. Based on my scores it appears that I actually knew enough law to pass. Maybe I should have practiced more essays. Maybe if I finished the MPT. Maybe I should have done more of Pieper's quizzes. Maybe I shouldn't have left my mother's house while studying. Maybe I shouldn't have worked until a week before.
Maybes aside - I did what I did. I made as much effort as I could have. The point is that it didn't work.
On July 28 and 29, 2009, it needs to work. Otherwise, I will have to move on in November or December (whenever the results come out), knowing that I'm meant to do something else with my life. There are many ways to serve. My talents can be used in ways that have nothing to do with the law. This experience of learning about the law in law school and in my job experience will always have value.
But I haven't given up yet. I can't. I won't. There are a lot of things I'm gonna do differently this time: not taking a class, exercising more, meditating, following a schedule, etc. I'm gonna manage my life better. I've always known my priorities and I'm learning how to work those priorities. The most important thing I've learned in this experience with you is how to Let GOD Lead my success. My relationship with God does come first. He's brought me to this point for a reason and I have to trust that.
Maybe I haven't passed because I needed to learn how to manage my life before passing.
Whatever. As frustrating and annoying as you are, bar exam, I appreciate the opportunity I have had to take you. So many like me - who come from circumstances like mine - dream for the opportunity like the one you present to me. So many like me - who come from similar circumstances, who have been where I am, who intend to be where I am in the near future - are invested in having me (and people like me) pass. I'm thankful for the opportunity to make my dream into a reality.
What's the most frustrating though, is to be this close to making my dream a reality and to be held in the same place for awhile, wondering when I'll get a break. But timing. This is for a reason. All of that jazz. As frustrating and annoying and time compromising as you are, you're just another step towards making my dreams come true. And so, I need you. I need to push through you.
I need pass this July! God be with me.
---
Today's post has been brought to you by inspiration from this. Brilliant.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Place your bets.
To make a jackpot in the future, you have to place your bets in the present.
- Carrie Bradshaw.
It's possible that I get too much wisdom from watching Sex and the City. Or maybe not. But I was sitting here watching a repeat - the one where they go to Atlantic City for Charlotte's birthday - and Carrie's seemingly trite metaphor about going for what you want (one that I've heard every time I've seen this episode but never bothered to consider) inspired this lightbulb moment!
If you have faith in anything - including yourself - then you have some sort of belief in that thing/person/being about something that you can't yet see. And the faith is there, in part, because you believe that one day, you will see what you believe in. If you truly have faith, then it's likely that you act according to your faith - you'll invest time, energy, emotions, money, etc. because you believe that you will get some sort of result from the object of your faith.
Acting according to faith is a gamble.
You don't know what you're gonna get from "placing your bet" on the object of your faith. There's never any guarantee. Still, you believe that the bet is worth placing, because the jackpot is of tremendous value. It's worth the risk. So you act according to your faith - not by anything you can see.
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
I feel like a gambling addict. I've been doing SO MUCH these past few years, basing my actions, often, on my faith. And that faith is in God mostly - but also, in me, in my abilities, in my untapped potential. Like any gambling addict I've found myself in many tight situations - times when it seemed like I had nothing to gamble. Actually, I'm in one of those tight situations now... a situation that makes me question my faith. All these questions, and yet, I keep on rolling the dice.
If I'm interested in the future jackpot, the time to place my bet is always NOW.
- Carrie Bradshaw.
It's possible that I get too much wisdom from watching Sex and the City. Or maybe not. But I was sitting here watching a repeat - the one where they go to Atlantic City for Charlotte's birthday - and Carrie's seemingly trite metaphor about going for what you want (one that I've heard every time I've seen this episode but never bothered to consider) inspired this lightbulb moment!
If you have faith in anything - including yourself - then you have some sort of belief in that thing/person/being about something that you can't yet see. And the faith is there, in part, because you believe that one day, you will see what you believe in. If you truly have faith, then it's likely that you act according to your faith - you'll invest time, energy, emotions, money, etc. because you believe that you will get some sort of result from the object of your faith.
Acting according to faith is a gamble.
You don't know what you're gonna get from "placing your bet" on the object of your faith. There's never any guarantee. Still, you believe that the bet is worth placing, because the jackpot is of tremendous value. It's worth the risk. So you act according to your faith - not by anything you can see.
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
I feel like a gambling addict. I've been doing SO MUCH these past few years, basing my actions, often, on my faith. And that faith is in God mostly - but also, in me, in my abilities, in my untapped potential. Like any gambling addict I've found myself in many tight situations - times when it seemed like I had nothing to gamble. Actually, I'm in one of those tight situations now... a situation that makes me question my faith. All these questions, and yet, I keep on rolling the dice.
If I'm interested in the future jackpot, the time to place my bet is always NOW.
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