I know the Love that waits for me Is a love so deep and pure I can't even really fathom it - So I don't wonder about it anymore. I know that what Life has in store for me is wilder than my wildest dreams Sits outside the boundaries of my imagination And far exceeds anything I could possibly expect So I don't do too much thinking of it anymore.
I know that it's out there, waiting
And each day that passes by is a day I get closer to it -
And my sense for it gets stronger daily -
So I've let go of looking for it.
I know that the Love that waits for me Isn't meant for my full understanding Some things need our acceptance, and nothing more;
I've been having lots of conversations lately with my girlfriends about marriage... well, actually more about weddings than marriage but definitely on the topic of what it takes to be successful in marriage. I guess I'm just in the time of my life where these conversations are more prevalent - because they sure weren't a few years ago! Just now, as I thought of the prospect of me being married, the first line of that poem popped into my head. And then the rest just flowed out.
When I'm ready to accept it/ I know that this Love will actually find me.
The biggest failures I have ever seen and experienced have always come about because someone could not let go of their pride. What's is its purpose? Where does pride really belong, if anywhere? It's good when we are proud of ourselves - our accomplishments, our acquisitions - right? But why does this even have an impact on the parts of our lives that have to do with other people?
*** Pride is what keeps a father and son from talking for 10 years or so because they argued and no one wants to say sorry, even when the son might be in danger of his life, unbeknownst to the father. The father's pride is so important that he doesn't even know that it has taken precedence over his interest in his son's life.
Pride is what keeps her from telling him she loves and misses him even though she already agreed that they should "see" other people while he works abroad. She doesn't want to look like a fool, she wants him to come to her on his own. All the while, he dates foreign girls and tells her all about it.
Pride is why it took him two years to admit that he was wrong for what he did to her and ask her for another chance - but much too late. Pride took precedence over his love for her, until the time when it didn't - and she had already let go of her love for him.
Pride is what kept the child of a mother starving to the point she became sickly, because the mother could not face up to her financial difficulties and ask for public assistance. She was raised to do it on her own. Pride was more important until the child nearly died.
Pride is what kept him unemployed for an entire year, wracked in debt. Pride in his master's degree took precedence over lower level jobs until he almost lost it all. His degree could not sustain food, water and shelter on its own.
Pride is what has kept a whole race/class of people down, because looking at themselves as at least a part of their problems would mean letting go of the pride attached to overcoming. They got too comfortable blaming someone else.
*** Pride, defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as the consciousness of one's own dignity: is it a building block of the persona, or a brick wall to accessing the truly important things in our lives? Or both? Should we even have any "pride" in or accomplishments and acquisitions? How important are they really in the scope of who we are? If the things in which we take pride were to fall away - do we cease to exist? I search for answers, because all around me there is suffering, and I find that the suffering would either cease to exist or at least remain undisturbed if someone (or many people's) pride were to crumble and fall.
*** I write this, not supposing that everything in our world must have utility, but with the belief that everything has its place. So really, what I need to know is why do we have pride, and what is it's proper place?
"Depending on when you grew up, each of us has a different Michael Jackson that we knew and lost." - Oliver Wang (Though really, he was paraphrasing someone else. And I'm glad he did.)
I believe that having a successful life is not so much about our accomplishments - but is signified by a process of growth, and change which results in a life where we show the world several different versions of ourselves (each version an improvement, hopefully). I'm aware that the 27-year-old version (i.e., the current version) of myself is quite distinct from the 17-year-old version of myself, as that version differed greatly - of course - from 7-year-old me. You could call them different "stages" of life - but thinking of them as "versions" fits better with the idea that who you are at any given moment will be shared with the people who encounter you. They get to deal with the most current upgrade/downgrade of you at that moment. For example, those who only knew me and had to deal with me at 7, or even 17, would be dealing with a radically different version of me at 27 if they encounter me again. I've been through too many changes for there to be seen any smooth continuum flowing from the who I was then, to the person who I am now. No smooth continuum of change here or with anyone else in my opinion - each change is more like a revision. Thinking of our growth process as creating different versions of ourselves just seems a bit more accurate, in light of everything I've ever experienced when encountering others over long periods of time.
So, in considering my beliefs about "versions" of ourselves and the life of Michael Jackson, I'm reminded that the Michael Jackson I knew as a child was a completely different version than the man that passed away on Thursday. It's not something I ever gave any serious thought - I just accepted whatever version seemed to be out there in the public, for the good and the bad.
The MJ I knew in the early '80s scared me with the Thriller video. It's my earliest memory of him - cowering when he changed into Michael Jackson the ghoul. Little did I know that the video which I couldn't bear to watch actually made history - that the song itself (which I loved) made history.
MJ also gave me my first lesson in understanding just how much people could change. He went from brown to not brown - which confused me (I used to wonder HOW someone could change their color like that?!) He was my first lesson about the fickle nature of race in this country and I didn't even know it. I might have been 6 or 7 when I first learned that the boy singing "ABC - easy as 123" (I knew that song from when I was very little) was the man that sang "Billie Jean" and I remember being STARTLED at seeing a picture of what he looked like as a child. How could someone change THAT much physically?
The MJ I knew was also the first person (that I'm aware of) that premiered a video on prime time television. I remember well (though I can't remember when exactly - I know it was the '90's) when "Black or White" and "Remember the Time" showed for the first time on TV (and if I'm not mistaken, they both premiered on FOX). "Remember the Time" = one of the best videos EVER - definitely one of my favorite MJ songs.
I remember when he married Lisa Marie Presley. I remember that it was a big deal - though I didn't get why - and also that they were in the "You Are Not Alone" video appearing to be naked. I don't remember being fazed by this one bit but that some people made a big deal about it. (The hallmark of a 80's baby: lack of sensitivity to sexual references in the media? Probably.) Looking back, I know that this version of Michael Jackson is the version people started to have serious trouble with - when he started to have serious trouble - around the time there were whispers and then serious talk, accusations (and ultimately, court cases) about his dealings (potential misdealings) with children. I knew it wasn't good - but I was too young to fully understand. This version of Michael Jackson was just as magical as he was when I was scared by Thriller - but more obviously beleagured.
I remember the first time I saw the video for "Leave Me Alone." I remember wishing that they left him alone. Of course, they didn't. I remember learning, around the time I saw the video (the early '90's?), that he had been beleagured for quite some time.
I remember "Man in the Mirror" (by the way, these memories are not in chronological order). It was the first song where I can remember paying close attention to the lyrics - a habit that never went away. It's possible that when I listen to music, I am looking to have the same sort of connection to a song that I had when I first heard Man in the Mirror. I was young - like 6 or 7 - and I remember feeling like it spoke to my purpose, which by that point, was something of which I pretty aware. (I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life...). As I get older, and more solidified in my purpose, the lyrics are just that much more poignant.
I remember when SWV came out with Love Will Be Right Here (Human Nature Mix). I had absolutely no idea why this was the "Human Nature" mix when the song came out until someone on the radio said something about them sampling Michael Jackson's song, Human Nature. I guess I missed that one in my early years. So I ended up I finding the song - actually, they might have played the two songs back to back on the radio. I remember upon hearing it, being taken over with that same magic his music always seem to have. I was in love.
There's so much more I can say about the versions of MJ I knew. I remember when Michael Jackson came out with Butterflies - which I loved. I remember thinking that I hadn't really heard anything musically from him that I liked in some time. It was the first time I realized that Michael Jackson's significance in my life was more in the past than anything else.
And it's like that with some people - as they become different versions of themselves, their upgrade or downgrade just doesn't fit in your life the way the previous versions did. And you move on. The most recent version of MJ that I came to know - the one that passed away on Thursday, was the version that only came across in somewhat negative media. I heard about it - but it didn't fit in with my life. I remember hearing recently that he was sick - that he might have had cancer or something like that. I also remember hearing that he planning on a comeback tour. And I remember feeling a bit excited about that - even if the comeback just a walk down memory lane, recalling versions of him from the past.
Of course he'll be missed. I just didn't know, until Thursday, that I had been missing him - the version I knew - for quite some time.
