Lost.

Am I supposed to have this feeling?
My feeling about this feeling feels wrong
(If that makes any sense)
And maybe it doesn't make sense because
I'm lost
And life looks like panels of incongruence
Nothing fits
Just fits of inconsistency
Barraging me constantly
It's more than a shake up
I suppose it's just time that I wake up
To reality
Whatever that's supposed to be
Though it doesn't amount to much
more than what I perceive
So what, or who, should I believe?
How am I supposed to find my way
When the way actually doesn't exist?
And... that's the trick.
My righteous path
(Please note, not the path to righteousness)
But the right path
Will not be provided to me
And its not preformed
And paved in concrete
So maybe feeling lost
Is just the start of me
Creating the way
To find my right self.

© 2010 Patricia B.

Dedicated to anyone and everyone having a "moment." Kinda like I am right now.

I'm just gonna say that I've reached a point where I see how I've stalled and maybe even sabotaged my own progress and... yea. This poem just leaped out of me. I don't even know if it's any good, but writing it has helped me reach some perspective in my situation and helped me understand what needs to be done "to find my right self."

Whatever that could mean!

Dear Tomorrow:

Today was not all I hoped it would be.

Though I made the best of my situation... really. 

But as I close the day, reviewing all that went on

All that I did well,

All that went wrong,

I wonder if it's probably best 

to leave what has passed behind me. 

Tomorrow, there's so many things I need and want to do.

I have this list of goals just ready.

And I'm hoping by the time you depart

I'll be closer to one of them, maybe two. 

It might not seem that ambitious, but Tomorrow, to me

You're the realization of my potentiality. 

And when I consider that you'll become Today

I wonder if your existence means

I'll get a bit closer to living my dreams.

© 2010 Patricia B.

Marriage.

I know the Love that waits for me
Is a love so deep and pure I can't even really fathom it -
So I don't wonder about it anymore.
I know that what Life has in store for me
is wilder than my wildest dreams
Sits outside the boundaries of my imagination
And far exceeds anything I could possibly expect
So I don't do too much thinking of it anymore.

I know that it's out there, waiting

And each day that passes by is a day I get closer to it -

And my sense for it gets stronger daily -

So I've let go of looking for it.

I know that the Love that waits for me
Isn't meant for my full understanding
Some things need our acceptance, and nothing more;

When I'm ready to accept it,

I know that this Love will actually find me.

© 2009 Patricia B.

--
The process:

I've been having lots of conversations lately with my girlfriends about marriage... well, actually more about weddings than marriage but definitely on the topic of what it takes to be successful in marriage. I guess I'm just in the time of my life where these conversations are more prevalent - because they sure weren't a few years ago! Just now, as I thought of the prospect of me being married, the first line of that poem popped into my head. And then the rest just flowed out.

When I'm ready to accept it/ I know that this Love will actually find me.

I don't know why, but I'm not worried.

Haikus

In my last position - one which didn't even last two weeks - I was required to pack a lot of information into one sentence. That was essentially all there was to the job. I took the position knowing it would be a challenge to do this repeatedly (especially given the amount of information we had to work with!) and for the brief time I was there, I did NOT do well at all. While I do think it could have been something I eventually learned to do well, I also hated doing it. No love lost on being let go. And considering how much I hated doing that work, I'm puzzled - one of my favorite forms of poetry requires me (the poet) to do exactly what they wanted me to do at that job: pack a lot of information in a very, very limited space.

But whatever. Haikus are fun. I enjoy the challenge of trying to say a lot in 5 syllables, and then 7 syllables and then 5 syllables. And I know I don't have to stick to this formula - but I ENJOY trying to say all I want to say while sticking to the formula. It takes discipline and focus. It challenges my creative juices.

Here are two I recently wrote:

1. Kiss.

Mottled lips part.
Exhale darkened excitement.
Inhale in pink tongues.

(You can also find this posted by me here).

2. Untitled.

The universe speaks.
Thrust yourself toward your fears.
To conquer, confront.

---
I've been creatively out of commission for a little while now. I think it's high time I got things going. These were just warmups.

Touch. Stone. Love.

I love it when I hear words that
touch my soul - that carve themselves in my heart
as if it were a stone.
Like when you spoke to me the other day
and used all the words you could possibly find
in your lexicon to tell me how you felt about me,
when all you were really saying was that you love me.
Typically I prefer your stone-cold straight-up style of speech
but this time, I found myself wanting your touch as I listened
and I contemplated the effort it took for you to find those words
and use them to craft meanings and messages

evoking love. It can be a heavy feeling, I know.
It can come crashing down on you like an avalanche of stones
when it's felt but remains unexpressed.
You managed to touch my soul.
My heart was your slab of stone
as you used your words to sculpt into shape
your strong, beautiful love.

© 2008 PGB

---
Earlier this year I was signing up to receive a website's newsletter and had to create a screenname. Instead of one of my usuals, I decided to step outside of my box of "Tricia/Trish" permutations, flex my creative prowess and come up with something unique. I decided to use the first three words that came to my mind as a screenname. Those words were touch, stone and love (surprise surprise!) and they came to me in that order.

I don't know why those words came to mind at all. I hadn't come across anything I could deem a touchstone, and while I enjoy Stone Love I hadn't listened to any of their mixtapes or been to any of their parties in quite some time. I thought touchstonelove was a good screenname though - and something about the combination screamed "play with me!" I love playing with words - and so I decided that I would challenge myself by playing around with the three words and see what would result. And there, you have it - concocted while on break at work today.

Now that you know the back story, it might be interesting for you to reread the piece and see if you feel differently about it. Or maybe not. Or maybe you might be interested in checking out a couple of other pieces of mine that came about as a result of me commencing in some wordplay: Assonance (Acid) and Miss Birch.

Writing this one was fun.