Lost.

Am I supposed to have this feeling?
My feeling about this feeling feels wrong
(If that makes any sense)
And maybe it doesn't make sense because
I'm lost
And life looks like panels of incongruence
Nothing fits
Just fits of inconsistency
Barraging me constantly
It's more than a shake up
I suppose it's just time that I wake up
To reality
Whatever that's supposed to be
Though it doesn't amount to much
more than what I perceive
So what, or who, should I believe?
How am I supposed to find my way
When the way actually doesn't exist?
And... that's the trick.
My righteous path
(Please note, not the path to righteousness)
But the right path
Will not be provided to me
And its not preformed
And paved in concrete
So maybe feeling lost
Is just the start of me
Creating the way
To find my right self.

© 2010 Patricia B.

Dedicated to anyone and everyone having a "moment." Kinda like I am right now.

I'm just gonna say that I've reached a point where I see how I've stalled and maybe even sabotaged my own progress and... yea. This poem just leaped out of me. I don't even know if it's any good, but writing it has helped me reach some perspective in my situation and helped me understand what needs to be done "to find my right self."

Whatever that could mean!

Dear Tomorrow:

Today was not all I hoped it would be.

Though I made the best of my situation... really. 

But as I close the day, reviewing all that went on

All that I did well,

All that went wrong,

I wonder if it's probably best 

to leave what has passed behind me. 

Tomorrow, there's so many things I need and want to do.

I have this list of goals just ready.

And I'm hoping by the time you depart

I'll be closer to one of them, maybe two. 

It might not seem that ambitious, but Tomorrow, to me

You're the realization of my potentiality. 

And when I consider that you'll become Today

I wonder if your existence means

I'll get a bit closer to living my dreams.

© 2010 Patricia B.

It's a thin line...

After a significant argument with my significant other a few hours ago I find myself walking that thin line so famously discussed by the Persuaders. I've found myself here before - with him, and with one or two before him - and I'm always awed when I realize that there could really be this line between love and hate. It's the kind of line that, if I'm on it, feels like I'm walking a tight rope of tension - though there's no safety net waiting for me below.

Love and hate: two very powerful emotions - and the idea that they are simply emotions is even arguable. I find love and hate to be more action based than anything else - the feeling is sometimes the cause of the action, sometimes the effect of the action but you can't have the emotion without the action, I think. And, therefore, to think I could hate and love my SO with the same amount of deliberate action and the same strength of emotion... baffles me.

But here I am. No safety net.  It reminds me that love, whether it be an emotion or action, often involves taking a risk. Regardless of the outcome, the risk has proven to be worth it.  I've fallen and broken some bones (because I fell off the thin line before!) but I healed, and I moved on.  The thin line presents a tense tightrope on which to walk, though.  Ugh.

Never been one to give up.

There are so many - too many - blogs with my writing on the internet! Just too many blogs exist where I've started to write with a particular concept in mind and stopped writing. But it figures (knowing myself as well as I do, anyway).  I've always been one to keep trying until I get it right.  Never really been one to give up on something that I want to accomplish.

I want to be published.  I don't know how it'll happen, I don't know where it'll happen and I don't even what form of writing I really want to publish - but I want to be published and I want my writing to be appreciated by the masses.  I love the law and I'm interested in public policy as well - I have no plans on leaving that world of public service for my writing.  I can't deny, however, that my first love and my true passion is in the written word - and sharing the written word.

The only success I've had with writing was with Xanga.  If you are in the Xanga community (or are interested in the Xanga community) check me out here (you'll need a Xanga username and password to view the blog).  I kept that blog up consistently from the end of 2004 to some time in 2008.  I gained a decent amount of followers and, to my delight, a few of those followers became my friends (and not just internet friends who I instant message now and then!).  I think the key to my success with that blog had to do with the consistency of my writing and also the fact that xanga is truly a community of blogs.  It was easier for me to keep up with the blog because when I wrote I felt like I was talking to my "friends" and between 2004-2008 (aka my time in law school) I NEEDED a support group to get me through it all! If you view the blog you'll see that I've written kind of recently but I don't keep it up as often as I did back then... I don't have the same need for a support group/blog I guess.

But I miss writing on a regular basis.  And I want to be published and I will not be published if I don't write. So I'm back at it. And I actually have things to write about!

I'm also going to go back to writing on xanga on a regular basis.  I want to see if writing success is easier when you have a built-in audience... I left xanga in part because it really didn't seem like the place to jump off a real writing career - blogger is much more accessible in terms of providing writing samples.

Let's see what happens.