Dear bar exam,

You're SO frustrating!!

I found my inspiration about 7 years ago. Almost exactly 6 years before we met for the first time. I was reading A Civil Action - wasn't even finished reading it actually when it clicked. In one moment, I KNEW I would be an attorney. I KNEW that I was meant to help people like the attorney helped Woburn. I thought about it after that moment - reasoned the decision to become an attorney as I did research on law schools - and the inspiration made complete sense. I've known since I was little that I was put here to serve. I don't know how or why I knew that so early, but I did. I care about social justice. I love to write-research-learn-and I don't mind a good argument. Becoming an attorney just made sense.

And it still makes sense. Being an attorney still feels right - despite the four years of trials and tribulations that was law school - despite the fact that I think most attorneys suck - I still feel like I belong in this profession. And here I am, ready to pass the milestone that is you. Ready, willing and able. But it hasn't happened yet.

I can't wait for the day I can look back and see you in the distance, a haze of blurry, stress-filled memories.

There's much that can be said about things happening in their own perfect timing, according to the schedule set out individually for me by God. When things are right, they're right. It wasn't right the first two times I encountered you. It wasn't my time to pass. This stuff about timing may be true, but the truth is that passing the bar exam isn't about timing. Based on my scores it appears that I actually knew enough law to pass. Maybe I should have practiced more essays. Maybe if I finished the MPT. Maybe I should have done more of Pieper's quizzes. Maybe I shouldn't have left my mother's house while studying. Maybe I shouldn't have worked until a week before.

Maybes aside - I did what I did. I made as much effort as I could have. The point is that it didn't work.

On July 28 and 29, 2009, it needs to work. Otherwise, I will have to move on in November or December (whenever the results come out), knowing that I'm meant to do something else with my life. There are many ways to serve. My talents can be used in ways that have nothing to do with the law. This experience of learning about the law in law school and in my job experience will always have value.

But I haven't given up yet. I can't. I won't. There are a lot of things I'm gonna do differently this time: not taking a class, exercising more, meditating, following a schedule, etc. I'm gonna manage my life better. I've always known my priorities and I'm learning how to work those priorities. The most important thing I've learned in this experience with you is how to Let GOD Lead my success. My relationship with God does come first. He's brought me to this point for a reason and I have to trust that.

Maybe I haven't passed because I needed to learn how to manage my life before passing.

Whatever. As frustrating and annoying as you are, bar exam, I appreciate the opportunity I have had to take you. So many like me - who come from circumstances like mine - dream for the opportunity like the one you present to me. So many like me - who come from similar circumstances, who have been where I am, who intend to be where I am in the near future - are invested in having me (and people like me) pass. I'm thankful for the opportunity to make my dream into a reality.

What's the most frustrating though, is to be this close to making my dream a reality and to be held in the same place for awhile, wondering when I'll get a break. But timing. This is for a reason. All of that jazz. As frustrating and annoying and time compromising as you are, you're just another step towards making my dreams come true. And so, I need you. I need to push through you.

I need pass this July! God be with me.


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Today's post has been brought to you by inspiration from this. Brilliant.